Do you ever re-read your notes on your phone and are like, "you okay girl?"
This is a substack I wrote a while ago about loving what you create even if you sometimes think it is ruining your life.
I’m typically overcritical of my writing, create drafts that feel like they are just for me and sometimes I just don’t share something I’ve spent time on. But this is something I recently re-read and decided, “wait, this is fun. why not?”
Maybe you can relate about an idea you have or something you are responsible for.
It is the thing that only you can usher into the world and sometimes that feels maddening.. only me??..
Nah.
My two cents: we should probably keep creating things that feel drenched in humanity… second guessing and months later deciding to share.
Previously written April 2025.
I have an album coming out in May of this year and May has been coming up lately in memories recorded in someway on my phone.
May of 2020 I recorded the melody of the title track of my record in my yard. Covid everywhere and nothing to do, so I sat in my yard and started to write. This happened and it took 4 years to finish this song. This recording is the first track on my record.
Earlier tonight I was going through my old notes on my phone where sometimes I write ideas or to-do lists and sometimes I just need to write in the middle of the night and this happened last May 10th, 2024. A year before my record will be released. Beware, she is dramatic in her notes and was having a hard day.
Fancyface
Sometimes I daydream of not creating music. Not having to drag something to life that wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for my dumbstruck resilient love for it. Sometimes I feel like a mad scientist, creating something not asking to be born, and yet here it is!! I celebrate as it gasps to life. It’s mangled and already unfit for a world that will tear it apart- but I love my monster. I dreamt of it and worked day and night for the exact right calculation that would spring it forth into the world.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if instead of creating music I solely spent my time drawing ceiling fans with faces on them. These are the faces that emerge after hours (maybe just minutes?) of starring at the ceiling wondering if I have wasted so much time creating something that can only be experienced, not a service, not a good, not even a handsomely drawn ceiling fan with a face I can sell at a booth in a market, the business is called fanface or maybe even fancyface, it’s niche but some people love it and buy prints to send their younger brother for his birthday saying “idk I think he would like this one”… nope… just sounds in a specific order with specific words that mean the world to me.
It’s been a hard week. My album is probably 82% of the way done. Now it’s just time for things to get expensive and for more decisions that shall be set in stone forever. As if it matters, as if anyone cares more than me, or maybe the same amount as me? Or maybe just enough to listen, to play catch with the monster I made in the yard. He has one leg, no eyes, three hands in the wrong spot. He can’t play catch that well and it will take almost all day for him to get the ball back to you, but he’s got character goddammit. I made him and I’m proud and if I didn’t make him who will? And maybe he’s not great at playing catch, but he might find his place in the world and make a difference, I just gotta give him a chance to figure it out.
I’m kinda dying laughing at this. The drama! Also I remember feeling this way. It is hard to have a belief in something and to make it happen when no one else is asking for it. Also I might have made a monster!! I don’t know!.. All I know is that at the point of writing this I was close to giving up and didn’t. Years before that I started a journey of growth and documenting it through song and I’m glad I did. I don’t have any points to this other than that I always hope to keep making something and being honest about it.
Current (August 2025) Updates and hot takes.
We are still selling our house. Once we do that I will probably pull back the curtain a bit to talk about what’s next, but we could be selling for another month or another year… who knows in this economy. Trying to allow myself to dream and to sit in patience with uncertainty.
I’m scheduling some shows in the PNW. Seattle and Portland are confirmed. Let me know if you want details. October!
I’m working on a conversational project with some friends (is that called a podcast?…embarrassing). We are discussing some of the themes that led me to writing the songs in Here and Here Before. It has been a fun way to lean back into the songs in a way that led me to them in the first place: conversations about life with friends I adore. I don’t have a timeline for sharing but I will here first so stay tuned.
You can support me by sharing my music with others. You can find links here. You can also buy the record on bandcamp. Or if you want more Kelsi merch I keep my merch prototypes here. Or if you really want to support me, buy our house?
Love you. Take care.
-Kels