Raising my Cortisol levels? More like raising my Bortisol levels... amiright?
Billy Madison references will always rattle around in my mind I guess, but this post is about fighting my stressors and depressors. Can I get a whoop whoop?!
Ugh. I am no scientist.. remember this as you continue with my words. Grain of salt or a polite handful should be applied.
To be honest with you reader, I have felt beyond meh this week. To catch up, it is heading towards the end of January. 4 days after… well, I don’t even really want to say it yet.. and I am 24 days into what I have decided is one of at least two (if not more) months of being dry and without a drop of alcohol to numb it all. On top of that, I am having my third major crisis of faith in the last 7 years or so… Maybe 4th or 5th crisis? Who is counting! But my crisis isn’t about politics necessarily, it is more about how my deep desire for connecting with others has led me into a trap where I am addicted to a social platform that has turned into a dopamine-spitting-pez-dispenser begging me to waste money and fork over my data. Basically a rude JC Penny’s catalog that seeps into my subconscious under the guise of catching up with friends and instead makes me feel like the world is ending in two days or like I will never catch up to my peers or like I need to buy some new pants (which I do? How did it know?? Oh our overlords know all??? neat!)
Anyways.. I feel like I’m suffocating with the ways instagram is integrated into my life. Work. Friendship. Memes with pals. Music career. Venue connections. I feel like I actually do really need it..? How convenient for those who own these platforms that I don’t have any means of connecting with these people outside of a DM… Ugh.. a crisis of faith I tell you! Loving something that you are learning is bad for you? Terrible.
On top of that I have been learning about dopamine and cortisol and some of the other pingpong balls bouncing around in my brain through this app. The app is called reframe and it teaches you about the affects of alcohol on your brain. Turns out frequent use of alcohol makes your cortisol levels trend higher which is a stress hormone (probably?- again, I am no scientist, I’m an art kid!) and maybe contributes to my stress oddly enough.. BUT the biggest whammy I have learned is about my beloved mistress, dopamine. I’ve learned how alcohol floods your system with that good good and your brain says “oh we are fine, we don’t have to work to make Kelsi feel good anymore” So it just stops trying!?? THEN because the body isn’t naturally creating dopamine, you feel like you have to have a drink to feel good…. which sends your good good makers into prolonged vacation mode because why work when you don’t gotta, baby??
Craziest thing is that experiences that would have brought much joy into your life just don’t hit anymore because your brain’s on vacay. Brain’s checked out, sent the dopamine deliverables to fiverr and outsourced that shit for cheap! Brain says “I’m out of office and I need you to have a drink while at the concert so you have a good time cause I’m busy!” Weird how my brain is just as lazy as I am sometimes….
So I’m not drinking right now and I’m not getting my fix every time I open my phone and I’ve been DEPREMPSED!!!*
After learning this I was like DUH! My body just needs to recover! It’s not my fault! I’m not failing by being sad and meh, I just need to give her a chance to catch up. That’s good news I think and honestly gives me hope that maybe sometime soon the experiences in life that I love might hit just a bit harder? Idk. Stay tuned I guess.
Quick Updates: What the people really want!
I doubled my subscribers here! Crazy. Thanks for being here!
Today I am starting my fundraiser for my record release! Here and Here Before is practically done and all I need to do is pay for mixing and mastering and have enough money to implement my marketing plan and touring! Do you like what I do? Want more of it? Want to see everyone in the world listening to the songs I make? You can donate HERE! Seriously, any bit helps!
Lately I’ve been listening to The Cure’s new record and Medium Build. Medium Build has been making songs for yeeeears and has such a good a deep catalog. I feel like every other day I am discovering a new favorite song of theirs. This is my favorite one this week. It compelled me to text it to one of my oldest friends, Lindsey, and tell her it made me think of her. If that ain’t good art doing the good work, idk what is. Also I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Doechii’s Tiny Desk… I feel like everyone is talking about it but her presence is truly unreal and so inspiring.
I’m working on visuals for my record and feeling kind of stuck but I think I want to use this picture somehow? This picture looks like me and was taken at the grand canyon about 2 hours after my first shrooms trip. Whole world was at my fingertips and it’s the closest to god I’ve ever felt. Starbucks in hand and finally brave enough to venture into my first crisis of faith.
I taught a class on marketing last night to a group of about 9 entrepreneurs and some of them sell cookies and one teaches yoga and sometimes I will just be doing my job and then the unyielding beauty of humanity will confront me as people put themselves out there to try to figure out how to make enough money to support their families and selves. The allowance of this confrontation is one of the things I hope to get better and better at…People can be so beautiful… also fuck the systems that make it so unbelievably hard to figure how to make enough money to support your family and self.
I took Dempsey to the vet this week because I thought he was dying. He’s not but he is getting old, but that is sweet. Also turns out I’m still terrified of losing those I love. Neat! Look at this side by side I got on the last snow day! What a freaking cutie! First pic is from first year I had him and second is 4 years later! I am so lucky I get these years with the pup the universe sent me! Also when I thought he was dying, Emily let me cry on her for longer than what was probably comfortable. I’m grateful for my family.
That’s all for now. I hope you are doing okay out there.
Take care.
*Deprempsed (as seen in post A Mirror Said "Don't Nashville my Chattanooga" and I said, "bro... same.") translates to the word depression which the NIMH defines as causing severe symptoms that affect how a person feels, thinks, and handles daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working. The word depremption originates from the land of Emily and Kelsi and is commonly used by those needing to use the word “depression” but might be triggered by calling it that if their dad killed themselves. Also depremption is more fun to say tbh. Try it?